B. Isenbarger Discernment, Relationships

Love ‘em before you date ‘em: A principle for intentional dating and discernment


When I was a young man in college, I went through what most young men go through – the dating scene. As it goes, I found some young women who were attractive, and I sought to gain their attention. I would take them out for ice cream, or go to a movie, or whatever else seemed like a decent date. Then would follow the entire digital dismay of timely text messages and Facebook likes, followed by an impossible discernment of whether this person likedme or not. Inevitably, after a few dates, there was then the awkwardness of defining the relationship – Are we a couple? Or just friends? Are we just talking? (whatever that means – I think we all talk to dozens of people every day!) In short, the dating scene as I knew it was one of the most confusing places to be – and for a Catholic man who was desiring to live a life of virtue and sanctity – it made the discernment of my vocation nearly impossible. 

Then, I met a young woman during my senior year who flipped that on its head. After I was clear with her that I was interested in dating her, we sat down and had a conversation about the purpose, or telos,of our relationship. She was a committed and faithful Catholic woman, and I was striving to live a life of holiness as well. As we reflected on the nature of our relationship – it very quickly became clear that our relationship should be aimed at what all relationships should be aimed at – heaven. In other words, the relationship I had with her was most fundamentally no different than the relationship I was to have with any other person on planet earth – a relationship of love – in which the salvation of the other person is placed at the forefront. 

After that discussion, it seemed everything had changed in our relationship. No longer was there the anxiety about whether she liked a picture I had posted on Facebook or the urgency to send so many text messages in a day. Most importantly, there was never the awkward decision when it was appropriate to say those three little words: “I love you.” Instead, when we placed the salvation of the other at the forefront, it was a no brainer – as Christians we have no other choice but to love each other. 

Now, all of this is not to say that our relationship was all rainbows and butterflies after we realized our purpose. In fact, it turned into one of the most painful experiences of my life. After we had been engaged for nearly an entire year and were mere months away from our wedding – an incessant restlessness continued to stir in my heart. Though I had thought about priesthood previously, the thought became unshakeable. And so, I was faced with the gut-wrenching decision to bring this up with my fiancée. 

After many tears were shed and sobs shared, we decided to call off our wedding. Quite literally, one of the most painful experiences of our lives. But in the midst of that unforgettable conversation on a warm July afternoon, our conversation ended with three of the most surprising words for such a moment: “I love you.” In spite of the ending of our engagement and plans for marriage – our fundamental disposition did not change. We still desired the will of God and each other’s salvation above everything else. 

As I write this now, I am three years into my seminary formation and was just recently formally declared a candidate for holy orders. Nonetheless, I still love my ex-fiancée. Obviously, I have no intention of marrying her and we are not romantically involved with each other – but I hope with the entirety of my being to see her in heaven someday. Though we talk very rarely, I pray for her quite often. I have offered many Mass intentions on her behalf, and I look forward to the day when I am a priest who is able to bring her the means of salvation through the sacraments. In short, though she is not my particular bride, she is very much a part of the Bride of Christ (the Church) – and I hope to celebrate with her in unending joy at the Wedding Feast of the Lamb. 

So – why do I share this story with all of you? Quite simply, because I wish I would have known all of this back when I first started on the dating scene. As Catholic men, it is imperative that we love the women we date even before we go out with them for the first time. As St. John Paul II made abundantly clear in his theology of the body, God has assigned the dignity of every woman as the duty of every man[1]. Whether we are married to a particular woman for 75 years, or called to lifelong celibate chastity, we must seek the salvation every woman we meet – even those we date.  

The benefits of this simple principle are many. For instance, I found that when love of the other is put first, there was no longer the cat-and-mouse game of who likes who more or less. Likewise, the questions regarding purity and chastity became much clearer. If I’m actually seeking to love someone by placing their salvation first, I no longer asked the question “How far is too far?” Instead, I began to think of ways to protect and uphold the dignity of my significant other as my chief duty and delight. And as we grew in purity, the beatitude regarding the pure of heart truly seeing God (see Mt. 5:8) became reified. In short, by loving the other person first, purity ensues, and the will of God becomes much clearer.     

It seems to be the most obvious thing for a Catholic man, but when it comes to romantic relationships, the primacy of love often seems to go out the window. However, I can assure you if we enter into any relationship with the primacy of love, we will soon find ourselves being configured to Christ Himself who is both Bridegroom and High Priest. While we will undoubtedly be wounded as He was, we will also undoubtedly be welcomed into His Father’s arms.  And all of this does not have to wait only for the life to come. In fact, if we live in the primacy of love now, we can already begin to sing with the great multitude of heaven: “Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready (Rev. 19:7).”

This post originally was written for the folks at Those Catholic Men. It can be found here.

[1]General Audience, 24 November 1982. https://www.ewtn.com/library/PAPALDOC/jp2tb100.htm

Fr. T. Zehr Catholicism, Mary, Relationships

Baby Jesus and His Mom

I have 2 nieces, 2 nephews, and one on the way.

Recently my little sister had a baby boy and I was sick at the time, so I didn’t get the chance to hold my new nephew. My sister was somewhat upset that I didn’t hold him, I think because she thought I didn’t want to hold him, which was NOT the case.

When I finally did get to hold him, she made kind of a big deal about it and was really excited. I think the reason is that it wasn’t enough for me to just see him, or for her to tell me about him, but she wanted to share him with me; she wanted to share the joy and excitement that Henry was for her.

On Saturdays and feasts of Mary, we continue to celebrate the coming of Jesus, but in a special way we celebrate the person who brought Jesus into this world: his mother.

Just like my sister, Mary, being the good mother that she is, wants to share her son with all of us, for us to hold, to cherish, and experience for ourselves the Love and Joy which He IS.

Mary wants us to have physical contact with her Son, just like my sister wanted me to have physical contact with hers. This might seem odd, we can’t hold baby Jesus like I can hold my nephew, but we can still experience Jesus Christ in a physical way: in the Eucharist.

Just like my sister, Mary LONGS and DESIRES to have us be with Jesus, and we can when we receive the Eucharist at Holy Mass. We need to be sure that we aren’t sick when we hold something as precious as a baby, so we need to be sure that our SOULS are healthy before we receive something so precious as Jesus Christ. If we are in a state of sin, we should refrain from receiving, but in the meantime, Jesus’ mother is waiting and longing for us to return to her son with a healthy soul.

So Get your soul clean and receive the baby Jesus into your heart in the Eucharist.

B. Isenbarger Evangelization, Feast Days, Relationships

Have you ever met Jesus?

Hey, have we met before?

In the readings for the feast of St. Paul’s Conversion from the Acts of the Apostles we get a startling story of some one meeting Jesus for the first time. It really is an incredible story. You can check here for the details.

But how do you typically answer that question?

Honestly, I usually get a little uncomfortable when I think about it. Have I really met Jesus? I mean, I’m not sure how tall he was, or how long his hair was. Or, what color were his eyes? Maybe I haven’t met Jesus…

Yikes! That’s a scary thought.

Before we get too unsettled, let’s take a closer look at St. Paul’s conversion to see how he met Christ.

On the way to attack the Christians living in Damascus, Paul experiences the blinding light and hears these words from Jesus: “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” (Acts 22:7). Jesus does not say: “Why are you persecuting my friends?” or “Why are you attacking my children?” No, Jesus says that when Paul was persecuting Christians, he was persecuting Christ Himself.

So often, it is easy to think of Christ as a theoretical idea or a moral teacher from the first century. But we cannot let this be the case. A few years ago, Pope Benedict brought this to light in his encyclical Deus caritas est when he said the following:

“Being Christian is not the result of an ethical choice or a lofty idea, but the encounter with an event, a person, which gives life a new horizon and a decisive direction.”

And so it was with St. Paul. On that road to Damascus, he encountered Christ – and was changed forever. This is one of the most pivotal moments in history. On that road, after encountering Christ, Saul became Paul and began to transform the entire culture of the Roman Empire and Western civilization.

So, have you ever encountered the Person of Christ?

I bet you have, and the answer may be closer than you think.

It is precisely through the Church – your brothers and sisters sitting right next to you – that you have encountered Christ.

Every Christian has entered into relationship with Christ through the Church – made up of individual persons. After Paul had the encounter on the road to Damascus, where did he go? He went to Ananias to be instructed in the faith and to receive baptism. His encounter with the light of Christ was inseparable from his encounter with the flesh and blood of Christ in the people of his Church.

Certainly, as Catholics, we see Christ most distinctly in the Blessed Sacrament, but he is also truly present in our other Christian brothers and sisters. That’s not me just saying that in some poetic way – it’s a reality. Jesus shows this to us in the story of St. Paul. Another master of evangelization also brought this out in a clear way. C.S. Lewis makes the point in the following way:

“Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses.”

In short, to the world, you are Christ. You are Christ’s true and living presence here and now. You may be the only “Bible” a person ever reads or the only “sacrament” some one ever experiences. As Paul met Christ on the road and was changed forever, may every one who encounters you and I – the Church – sense the warmth and light of Christ.

M. Hellinger Catholicism, Community, Jesus Christ, Relationships

The Universal Language: The Person of Jesus Christ​

“The shutting up of oneself in this inner fortress of isolation, which exists secretly even in the most jovial joiners of clubs, is proof of narrowness, limitation, even stupidity. For it presupposes a certain egocentric attitude toward the world and God. The man who has been melted by the sun of values, and above all the man who has been wounded by the love of Christ, is also lovingly open to every man and has entered into the objective unity of all. Yes, this ultimate true spirit of communion, the universal disposition to love, and the life in the ultimate loving “We,” is only possible as a fruit of the ultimate “I-Thou” communion with Christ, through which we are transfigured into Christ. Every attempt to achieve this “We” without Christ leads to a superficially anchored pseudo-communion.”

Dietrich Von Hildebrand, Liturgy and Personality

Given some of the unique opportunities that have presented themselves to me by my being a student in Rome, I have been recently reflecting on the beauty of the universal Church and the light of Jesus Christ in my own life and the life of the world. What I have come to find is that the measure of community that we experience is intimately tied to our relationship with Christ.

For Christians, no meeting is mere chance, everything works, in the end, for God’s glory. My travels of late have taken me to three different nations. In each one, I have found that it is my relationship with Christ, more than any human language I know (or not know), that makes true communion and intimacy with others possible. Yes, it is true that on some basic human level, we are all able to connect. However, that connection, that intimacy, is deepened in unimaginable ways when people are striving for intimacy with the Lord.

For the years I am blessed to spend here in the Eternal City I am not able to return home for Christmas. Therefore, this year was the first Christmas I have ever spent away from home. I did not really have any particular expectations of what this would be like; I knew it would be hard, but so is being away for the major part of five years. I decided to go to England for a few days around Christmas, and so I cannot help but recall that great quote of Chesterton:

“Blessed is he that expecteth nothing, for he shall be gloriously surprised.”

-G.K. Chesterton, Heretics

And gloriously surprised I was. I stayed with a friend at a lovely parish where we were able to serve Mass and enjoy fraternity with two other priests and the pastor. On Christmas day I was tasked with cooking the meal. In proper English fashion, the meal looked like American Thanksgiving. I just found myself struck by the fact that all five of us were from different parts of the world, and yet, here we were speaking and living as though we were old friends. We had met each other just a day earlier, yet our mutual love of Jesus Christ gave us an infinite communion to share.

After returning from England with a quick stop (just long enough to do my laundry and see the New Year’s fireworks of Rome), I was headed off to Corsica, France. Here, some friends and I were staying at a pilgrim house for a few days. Honestly, I once again had no idea what to expect. And once again, I was gloriously surprised by Christ. The sisters had sent a woman (a friend of the convent that has the pilgrim house) to pick us up from the port and bring us up to the house for the first time.

The sunset on Corsica

When we were walking up to the exit from the port, we saw a woman whose smile widened as we appeared. She asked us (in French) if we were seminarians. Luckily, the word in Italian, French, and English are close enough that we knew to say yes to the question. From that moment on, she poured out her love on us in helping us navigate the city, driving us to Mass, and praying holy hours with us. For four days we shared a large chunk of time with this woman, some of the days there was another guest who knew some English and could translate, other days not. For the entirety of the time, we were still able to communicate because we spent our time communicating about something we held in common: Jesus Christ.

Lastly, a random opportunity presented itself this last weekend (I had written this post before, but didn’t like it, so I waited to rewrite it. While waiting this happened, so…the Lord wins again). I was asked by a fellow seminarian to fill in for him for a Mass that he had been asked to serve. I said yes (for some of the guys its finals season here while mine does not start until next week) becasue I was free.

Here in Rome, there have been plenty of holy happenings (and not holy happenings, but that’s a different story) over its 3000ish year history. One moment of Grace was the appearance of our Lady to a man in the Church Sant’ Andrea delle Fratte. Every year since our Lady inspired this man’s conversion to the Catholic and Apostolic Faith, she is celebrated at the altar where she appeared.

It was this Mass that I was asked to serve. The place has a special place in my heart as St. Maximilian Kolbe celebrated his first Mass there too. When we arrived, to our surprise, we were asked who was going to MC the Mass. When no one volunteered, I did (I have done it before, but not often enough to jump at the opportunity). Why did we hesitate you ask? Because the Mass was being celebrated by the Cardinal Archbishop of Genoa, that’s why.

I told the priest who was coordinating everything that I knew how to do it but that I don’t speak Italian well, so I wasn’t sure if he really wanted me to do it. He just smiled and said it would be fine. Thus began a night of real grace as I got to be right by the side of the Cardinal for two hours. What struck me most was this man’s love for Christ and his deep calm and prayer. He is a man in love with Jesus Christ. It was peaceful. We did not exchange much, just some simple small talk afterward, but having stood next to him while he prayed the Eucharistic Prayer and noticing the ease with which we communicated throughout the Mass, I could not help but be once again struck by this intimate communion through Jesus.

This post begins with a quote from one of my favorite books of all time, Liturgy and Personality. In it, Dietrich Von Hildebrand lays out a vision of the Liturgy that challenges one to embrace the veil of mystery and through that embrace to catch a glimpse of the reality. His view of the community formed through the Church’s Liturgy is a great description of what I have attempted to express here: that the closer each one of us is to the God-Man Jesus Christ, the closer we will be to each other. Any attempt to grow closer to each other that is not directed towards intimacy with Christ is folly, and at best will keep us at the same distance away from Him, while at worst it will take us far from Him. I have attempted to sketch it:

What transcends all peoples, all languages, and all cultures without destroying anything that is good in them, what actually enables us to be united with each other in a real spirit of respect and good will, what actually brings peace into the world is Jesus Christ. Any attempt at union or communication without Him is folly, and at worst utter madness. Our desire for unity and community should always be directed towards Him, and if it is, it will bear much fruit.

What I have described is nothing more than the life of the Church and what God wills for each one of us. It is the love of Christ which enables us to love each other, and that is somehting that knows no limits and is not restricted to any one human language.

“What really matters in life is that we are loved by Christ and that we love Him in return. In comparison to the love of Jesus, everything else is secondary. And, without the love of Jesus, everything is useless.”

-St. Pope John Paul II